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Why is he better than me at everything?! July 2, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:31 pm
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So I realize that marriage is not a competition.  I do, honestly.  HOWEVER, why is it that my hubs has to be better at everything than I am?  He’s better at losing weight.  He’s better at his job.  He’s smarter than me, though I’d probably never admit it to him.  He’s better with finances.  He’s better at FINDING a job.  He’s just… I’m so sick of being the one that has to “d0 better”.  It’s so exhausting.  I feel like I’m always having to catch up.  I’m probably a better housekeeper/cook/organizer than he is, but it’s not like that matters because being a housewife isn’t exactly an option.  He’s better at all the REAL WORLD stuff.  I’m just better at stupid things.  … like being OCD.

Today is just a hard day.  … It’s been a hard week.  I got my second spinal injection a couple weeks ago, but I’ve still really been hurting.  It didn’t work as well as the first one, which has me pretty down and fairly exhausted.  I’m trying to push through it and pretend like I’m ok though, because I honestly don’t want hubs knowing that it didn’t work.  He’s talking about not having kids because of the pain, and I just… I don’t think I can do that.  All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom, and I don’t know that I can have that taken from me.  So I’m trying to pretend like I’m better and ok, even though I’m not much better than I was before the shot.

I just need something really good to happen… and instead I turn another year older this weekend.  I hate birthdays.  There’s the one my family forgot, until after I’d gone to bed that night.  Then my dad woke me up to apologize.  Mind you, earlier in the day I was getting in trouble for acting so grumpy because I should have been happy for the holiday.  And mind you, they remembered my cousin’s and sister’s birthdays during the 2 days before mine, but they forgot mine.  Yeah… that was an awesome birthday.  Then there’s all the years I waited for bio mom to send me something or call, but she never did.  I just… birthday’s suck.  We build them up as this great day – a day to celebrate yourself and yourlife.  Instead no one really cares and you just end up feeling sorry for yourself because no one gives a shit that it’s your day.  It’s just another day, except this day was built up in your mind as something special, but it’s not.  So the balloon pops.  Every year.  And then you just get older.

 

Day 1 of Couples Counseling June 12, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 1:04 pm

It was hard.  I cried… a lot.  I had to sit in my car for a while after we got out and cry before I could drive home.  Then after getting home, I cooked dinner, we ate, and then I broke down crying again apologizing to hubs for doing what I did and driving this wedge between us.  He’s lost his trust in me.  He’s scared I’ll do it again.  He doesn’t understand why I did it to begin with.  I’ve placed a wedge between us, and our problems are my fault.  I’m starting to cry again, and I’m at work, so I’ll stop now.

The counselor want to see us one on one before seeing us as a couple again.  Next week hubs goes, week after the guy’s on vacation, week after I go.  We’ll see how it all goes.  Like I said… there’s a huge THING between us now, and I put it there.  Hopefully this guy can help us move it, so that we can trust each other again… or he can trust me anyway.  He still loves me, I know that.  But what is love with no trust?  Sure he trusts me not to cheat on him or do anything like that.  But he doesn’t trust me not to kill myself, and that’s a big deal.  He doesn’t trust me to be a responsible adult.  And my pattern of behavior has built his mistrust.  Again, I have to stop, because I’m starting to cry, and crying at work is just tacky.

In other news, my best friend comes into town today.  I’m excited.  Girl time will be fun.  I’m sure there will be tears and laughter.  I look forward to it.  Pedicures are scheduled for tomorrow, so that’s awesome.  I look forward to a fun time with her.  Probably won’t write again until bestie leaves.

 

another shot has been scheduled June 10, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 3:21 pm

I saw the spinal specialist on Friday.  Since PT and I have hit a road block, where I have to do the exercises more and the effects are lasting less, he recommended I receive a second round of the spinal injection.  My pain level has increased again, though not to what it was before the first injection.  I was supposed to receive the injection today, but we had to push it back to next week.  They apparently can’t give it to me while I’m on antibiotics, and I’m still on them for my gross toe.

So next Tuesday I will receive another spinal injection and most likely be laid up for a couple days.  The steroid caused me to be quite irritable and have mood swings last time I had it.  This time I’m prepared.  My shrink gave me a prescription for something that’s supposed to help the antidepressant I’m already on.  It’s not Abilify, but I think it works similarly. 

Hubs and I start couples counceling tomorrow.  I’m kind of nervous.  I hope it goes well… I suppose I’ll post after it’s all over.

 

It’s early June 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 10:31 am
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Thank you for the beautiful comments and support yesterday.  It was very nice to feel loved.  I KNOW that I’m loved, but it’s nice to FEEL it sometimes.

I slept a bit better last night, but only a bit.  Perhaps I need to talk to my doctor about my medications or something because I haven’t been sleeping well.  Last night while lying awake I was writing the most awesome post in my head, but now that I’m at the computer, I don’t know that it’ll have the same flair as it did in my brain.  Here goes anyway.

I’m not sure if I read this somewhere or if it’s something that I just happened to think and the idea grew in my mind until I convinced myself I must have read it somewhere.  In any case, if I did read it somewhere, and I’m not giving you credit, it’s not for lack of care, merely lack of realization of where this information in my head came from.  In any case, I THINK I read it somewhere, so that’s how I’m going to write… as if I DID read it somewhere.

So, I read somewhere that Southern women are more prone to depression than other women.  I think this makes sense.  We’re taught from a very early age to hide our emotions and play the nice hostess.  Miranda Lambert has a song called Mama’s Broken Heart where the girl is going through a difficult breakup and the mother “preaches to the daughter” with the lyrics:

Go and fix your make up
It’s just a breakup
Run and hide your crazy
and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better
Gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

I think this sums up how Southern women are raised very well.  I remember my mother telling me often how I needed to be less dramatic, how I needed to “stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve”, and how I should stop letting everyone know how I feel all the time.  Play the part even when you don’t feel like it.  Be a good hostess and pretend that everything’s okay even when you’re falling apart inside.  “No one needs to know your business.”  “Stop letting everyone know what’s going on in your life.”

Obviously that last one didn’t stick or I wouldn’t be on here, right?  In any case, many Southern girls grow up in homes where this is the norm.  No one wants us to  actually let them know how we feel.  They just want us to pretend to be okay, and then that means we are.

So yeah, I definitely grew up in a home like that, and I think it contributed.  “Put on your big girl panties and deal.”  “Stop your crying and stop feeling everything so much.  Sometimes you just have to let things go.”  And, yes, sometimes you do have to let things go, but the big stuff?  The big stuff you need to deal with.  Don’t bottle it up and save it for later.  Deal with it now, else later turns into too late and it becomes so big that you don’t even know where to begin to deal with it.

So that’s that.  That’s my morning rant.  Hopefully someone, somewhere got something out of it.

In other news, I took an “assessment” for a job on Monday.  Apparently I have to do so well on the assessment before they’ll call me in for an interview.  I haven’t heard anything yet, but here’s hoping.  The job sounds pretty awesome.

 

It’s been too long… June 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 5:30 pm
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It’s definitely been too long since I’ve written anything.  So much has happened.  I found myself in the darkest place my depression has led me since… well, since the one time it led me there in college.  Only, this time my husband found me and called for help.  So the ambulance, police, and fire department all showed up at our house to take care of stupid ole me.  The state took away my rights, and I was in a hospital for a little over a week.  It was awful.  Talk about having no privacy or rights.  But I went to group, and I got a lot out of it. 

Now, here it is about a month later, and life is so freakin’ hard!  I’ve really been trying to remain positive, but I don’t think that people without a depressive disorder understand how much the smallest thing can just set off the whole downward spiral.  For instance, last night I only got about an hour and a half of sleep.  I feel like I’m sleepwalking through my day, which is making me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. 

In a way, things were easier in the hospital.  I mean, sure I had crappy lotion and shampoo.  Sure I had no hair products and looked like crap all the time.  But so did everyone else.  And my whole day was planned out for me.  My meals were cooked for me.  I didn’t have to do anything but show up.  Sometimes I wish that just “showing up” was enough in real life.  Today I feel like showing up is about all I can do.  Right now I’m just so exhausted. 

I have been trying to lose weight since getting out of the hospital, too.  I’ve started exercising.  I’ve managed to lose 3.4 lbs in a month.  That’s it.  3.4 lbs.  I’ve been stuck at this same weight for 2 weeks.  I lost 3.4 lbs in the first 2 weeks.  Now I’m just stuck.  My clothes aren’t fitting any better, either, so it’s not like I’m gaining definition or anything.  Today I just feel like a big, fat, nasty, ugly, grumpy slob. 

And I can’t talk about things like this with hubs, because he’s concerned that I’ll go back to the downward spiral place.  I don’t want to go back to the downward spiral place, but I want it to be ok to cry.  I want it to be ok to have a bad day.  I want to be able to cry and complain and not have someone worried that I’m going to take a bottle of pills or that I’m going to stay in bed for 3 days to hide from the world.  I don’t want to go back to that place!!!  Why can’t anyone believe me and just accept that it’s hard, though?  It’s not like I WANTED to be in that place to begin with. 

Seriously, who WANTS to be so depressed that they take 20 muscle relaxers?  Who DESIRES to feel so bad about his/herself that she wants to burn herself just to feel better about something for just a few minutes?  Who CRAVES to feel badly about his/herself all the time?  NO ONE, ASSHOLES!!  I just want to scream at the world.  … or maybe I just want to scream at myself for letting it get that badly to begin with. 

I’m just tired… hopefully tomorrow will be better.  I think I’ll start writing again.  It seems to have helped a little… if only because I got to rant to the world of 2 that might read this.

 

No thoughts, just words August 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 1:30 am

I wake up every morning at around a 3 or 4.  I go to work.  By noon I’m at a 5 or 6; by 3:00 I’m ready to lie in the floor and cry.  I don’t.  I stretch, which of course I’ve been doing throughout the day, in hopes that it will help.  I do deep breathing.  This usually helps, which gets me through the remainder of the work day.  The walk through the parking lot either helps or hurts, depending on where the pain is and how bad it has reached by this point.  I continually try to stretch while driving home, because the act of driving actually makes the pain worse.  (Realize that I’m dealing with both the C5-6 disk stuff in my back AND the levator ani stuff).  By the time I get home I’m completely exhausted.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and sink down and never get up again.  Getting up again means that the cycle will repeat.  Instead, I cook dinner…. most nights.  After dinner is when I lie down.  I feel guilty that I didn’t get a load of laundry done.  I feel guilty that I didn’t make it to the gym.  I feel guilty for leaving the kitchen dirty for Hubs to clean up.  I feel guilty that I am unable to spread the joy that I plaster on my face throughout the day for the entire world to my husband.  He only ever sees the exhausted me.  The me that gives into the pain.  The me that breaks down and takes very strong medicine to try to stop the pain.  He doesn’t get the smiles that everyone else gets.  Strangers get a better version of me than he does, because by the time he sees me, I’m too too exhausted to smile anymore.  

I try to remain positive through this all.  I try.  I really do.  But sometimes it all hits me, and I just cry.  Last night was one of those nights… today has been a day of fighting.  Fighting hard not to give in o the darkness the pain drags me to.  The pain sucks out my will.  It drags me away from light and happy and everything good.  It takes me to a dark, miserable place.  And once in this dark miserable place that the pain led me to… dragged me to, then the depression starts in.  

The depression tells me how I’m not good enough.  I should be a better wife.  I should be a better housekeeper.  I should be a better employee.  I should be healthier.  I should exercise more.  What’s wrong with me that I can’t just be happy?  What’s wrong with me that I can’t just work right?  Why does my body continue to betray me?  I want to be happy!  I want to be pain free!!  What’s wrong with me that I can’t be? …

 

An Update Would Take Hours August 1, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 8:24 pm

Seriously, it would.  Let’s see… short version?

I started a new job.  The job sucks, but the people are cool so far.  I’ve decided that I can be happy with my life even if I hate my job though, so I’m ok with working at a job that sucks. 

I have been diagnosed with levator ani syndrome.  It’s disgusting sounding, agreed, and quite nasty intimate parts as well.  Regardless, it’s quite painful.  As in, I am taking muscle relaxers on a fairly regular basis now (probably 1 a day), and it’s highly likely that I will become addicted to them.  Yay for doctors finding cures, right?!  I start physical therapy next week, so we’ll see if that helps.  I hope it will.  In any case, until then I’m just in pain all the time, and it sucks so hard.

Other than that?  Let’s see… celebrated the big 3-0, which sucks.  I don’t like knowing I’m not in my twenties anymore, but what are you gonna do?  

I think that’s the short version.  I’ll write more later when I have a little more time.