A common theme lately in many of the blogs that I read has been depression. It’s really quite amazing how many people in the world suffer from depression. Many of the things I’ve read have been very quick to remind those that suffer from depression that depression lies. It makes you believe things that aren’t true. It whispers ugly words in your mind until you begin to believe it.
As someone who has suffered from depression since my teen years, I understand this completely. Not only does depression lie, but when medicated our minds lie to make us believe perhaps we don’t really need the medication to feel “normal”. After the whisper of how “normal” I can be without my medication, the whisper soon becomes a scream, until I finally believe it. Then about a week later, I realize that I’m not “normal” at all. Depression has hit me again. And not only has it hit, it has begun to break me.
I speak about this as if it’s all in the past, as if it’s not something that I suffer from every day. This is not the case. About twice a year I start to believe the lies of not needing my medication, only to be reminded how untrue that is. This past week has been one of those times. And yesterday I realized how broken I had become. I stopped taking my medication last week sometime. I didn’t do so consciously, I just forgot one night, or I was too lazy to get up and get it. In any case, after a couple days of doing so, I then began to just not care. Obviously I don’t need it if I can go 3 days without it. This is when depression began it’s work. Small whispers in my mind that are always present, whether medicated or not, began to turn into screams and constant rebukes. “You will be a terrible mother one day because your family carries generations of abuse.” “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been losing weight. You are fat. You will always be fat. And even if you aren’t fat, you’re still ugly.” “Look in the mirror. See how ugly you are.” “Your husband will leave you because you aren’t good enough for him.” And so, so many more shouts and screams in the mind. They play on an endless record, over and over. Things that have been put in the past begin to scream into the forefront. A bad relationship from 10 years ago makes me question whether or not my husband thinks I’m dumb and he’ll eventually realize that I am and leave me.
Lucky for me, my husband does love me, and he noticed last night how I was acting. He soon asked if I had been taking my medication, and when I responded no, and cried about how awful of a person I am, rather than rebuke me, he held me and allowed me to cry. He gently reminded me of how important it is to stay on my medication because of my health – not because I’m crazy or because something is wrong with me, but because I am healthier and stronger when I take it. He held me and told me he loves me, and he reminded me that I am good enough for him. He reminded me that he won’t leave me. And he let me cry.
So for those of you that suffer and don’t have someone wonderful in your life like I do, know that others suffer as well. Someone out there knows what you’re going through. Someone out there can help you, and it might even help them to be able to help you. And if nothing else, feel free to write to me.