I had a chiropractor appointment this morning, as this is one of the things I’ve been trying to help deal with the incessant jaw, neck, and back pain (thus causing a lot of general body pain). My pain is usually better in the morning, as my body is rested. In any case, I had to fill out the chart that he provides – circle the part that hurts, rate your pain from 1 to 10, is the pain burning, aching, stabbing, etc. After filling out the chart I was back to my usual cheerful self, and he comes in to examine me. He looked at the chart and seemed floored. He looked at me and asked, “Is this really how you feel this morning?” And I just answered honestly, “Yeah, it’s great, huh?” Now, at this point, you might be wondering what that chart looked like. It was similar to below (because the one I turned in was obviously hand written in his office):
Note that in no spot that I had pain was the pain less than a 5. I think this is because with pain below a 5, my brain dismisses it as merely an annoyance, not something that actually hurts. In any case, this is how most mornings start, with my pain being at a 5 or 6. By the end of the day I’m at an 8-9. I never actually use a 10, because I don’t know what that amount of pain would be, but I use a 9. To me, a 10 means that I’m, like, dead or something. Or I passed out from the pain. Even when I was lying in a hospital bed awaiting an appendectomy (or the diagnoses of such) I didn’t use a 10 to describe my pain. Then it was an 8-9. So, essentially, I’m living with that pain every day, but in a different location. And quite honestly, I think I could deal with it if it weren’t the burning type of pain that makes me feel like my muscles are on fire. Because the burning pain makes me want to crawl somewhere dark and cry and hide… and pray that it stops.
At this point in my day I am at a 7, minimum, with most places feeling around an 8 or so. I’m on the verge of tears at my desk, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through rehearsals tonight. Also, I don’t know how I’m going to manage to cook dinner. The pain is making my depression symptoms worse, so I need these medical experts to figure something out, SOON. In any case, I know that when I fall asleep tonight, for those 7 or so hours, I won’t feel a thing. And that, my friends, is heaven.