Today’s been a hard day. In fact, the past few days have been pretty rough. I didn’t leave the office until after 9:00 last night, and that’s after having arrived at 9 that morning. Mrs. Z (who might end up being my new boss, now that my boss is leaving) is really not someone that I enjoy working with. Her boss, we’ll call him Bo, wanted her to put together a presentation for him. Bo was expecting it by tomorrow. She sends the information and informs me that I need to make this presentation and have it to her by today at 4:00 yesterday afternoon. If Mrs. Z had just received the information from Bo and then immediately contacted me, I would have understood. When the boss man calls, the boss man calls. However, she had the information since last Friday. She spent 2 days figuring out how to filter the columns of an excel spreadsheet. She then copied and pasted THE EXACT SAME THING into FIVE DIFFERENT SHEETS. The only difference between the 5 sheets? She changed the order. Seriously, that’s it. The woman is a moron. How the hell did she become a manager?! It took her the weekend and 2 days to filter, cut, and paste. She’s an idiot. So when I got home last night I burst into tears. I cried to Hubs about how I hate my job. The company is “reorganizing”, and they’ve yet to “reorganize” the group I work with. Mrs. Z doesn’t tell me if I’m doing a good job, though she manages to tell everyone else on the team when they are. I fear that when they start “reorganizing” our group the lack of compliments and praise will continue, and I’ll be one of the first to be “let go”. So last night I broke down. I cried and cried, and then I couldn’t stop crying. Hubs told me that he will support my search for a new job. So I’ll add this job to my resume, and start looking while free at work. That’s right, I’ll look for a different job while at my current job.
Today I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Perhaps it’s leftovers from yesterday. Perhaps it’s just going to the same job that I hate everyday. Perhaps it’s knowing that I have to wake up and do it again tomorrow. I don’t know exactly what it is. I just feel exhausted – not the I want to go to sleep exhausted, though. I’m not TIRED. I’m just… I hate my life. And I don’t hate my life. I love my husband, and my animals, and my home. I love all of THAT part of my life. But a job is a big part of life. And I definitely hate my job. And it’s beginning to weigh on the rest of me really hard, and that weight it making it quite difficult to enjoy all those other things in life that I DO love.
Hubs’ birthday is soon. I don’t know what to get him. This is another stress in my life. He’s very difficult to buy for, because when he wants something, he just buys it. He’s not the type to wait for something if he really wants it, which make it very difficult come gift time. Also, I know that he expects to be taken to dinner somewhere very fancy, and spending large quantities of money stresses me out no matter what. Even though I know that he and I aren’t strapped for cash, I hate spending a large amount of money on anything. It makes my stomach curl up into knots and constantly flip. My stomach is even doing it now as I write about it.
… I gotta figure out how to get out of this “funk”, but I don’t know exactly how to do that. All of my usual things aren’t working. I’ve eaten all day. Food comforts me. But when I eat, I feel guilty because I’m fat. I shouldn’t eat for comfort, because when I do, I eat way too much, and I eat really bad junky food. I’m not enjoying the normal things that I enjoy, which is why I don’t know what to do to get out of the “funk”.