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Today’s been a… September 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 11:22 pm

Today’s been a hard day.  In fact, the past few days have been pretty rough.  I didn’t leave the office until after 9:00 last night, and that’s after having arrived at 9 that morning.  Mrs. Z (who might end up being my new boss, now that my boss is leaving) is really not someone that I enjoy working with. Her boss, we’ll call him Bo, wanted her to put together a presentation for him.  Bo was expecting it by tomorrow.  She sends the information and informs me that I need to make this presentation and have it to her by today at 4:00 yesterday afternoon.  If Mrs. Z had just received the information from Bo and then immediately contacted me, I would have understood.  When the boss man calls, the boss man calls.  However, she had the information since last Friday.  She spent 2 days figuring out how to filter the columns of an excel spreadsheet.  She then copied and pasted THE EXACT SAME THING into FIVE DIFFERENT SHEETS.  The only difference between the 5 sheets?  She changed the order.  Seriously, that’s it.  The woman is a moron.  How the hell did she become a manager?!  It took her the weekend and 2 days to filter, cut, and paste.  She’s an idiot.  So when I got home last night I burst into tears.  I cried to Hubs about how I hate my job.  The company is “reorganizing”, and they’ve yet to “reorganize” the group I work with.  Mrs. Z doesn’t tell me if I’m doing a good job, though she manages to tell everyone else on the team when they are.  I fear that when they start “reorganizing” our group the lack of compliments and praise will continue, and I’ll be one of the first to be “let go”.  So last night I broke down.  I cried and cried, and then I couldn’t stop crying.  Hubs told me that he will support my search for a new job.  So I’ll add this job to my resume, and start looking while free at work.  That’s right, I’ll look for a different job while at my current job.

Today I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Perhaps it’s leftovers from yesterday.  Perhaps it’s just going to the same job that I hate everyday.  Perhaps it’s knowing that I have to wake up and do it again tomorrow.  I don’t know exactly what it is.  I just feel exhausted – not the I want to go to sleep exhausted, though.  I’m not TIRED.  I’m just… I hate my life.  And I don’t hate my life.  I love my husband, and my animals, and my home.  I love all of THAT part of my life.  But a job is a big part of life.  And I definitely hate my job.  And it’s beginning to weigh on the rest of me really hard, and that weight it making it quite difficult to enjoy all those other things in life that I DO love.  

Hubs’ birthday is soon.  I don’t know what to get him.  This is another stress in my life.  He’s very difficult to buy for, because when he wants something, he just buys it.  He’s not the type to wait for something if he really wants it, which make it very difficult come gift time.  Also, I know that he expects to be taken to dinner somewhere very fancy, and spending large quantities of money stresses me out no matter what.  Even though I know that he and I aren’t strapped for cash, I hate spending a large amount of money on anything.  It makes my stomach curl up into knots and constantly flip.  My stomach is even doing it now as I write about it.  

… I gotta figure out how to get out of this “funk”, but I don’t know exactly how to do that.  All of my usual things aren’t working.  I’ve eaten all day.  Food comforts me.  But when I eat, I feel guilty because I’m fat.  I shouldn’t eat for comfort, because when I do, I eat way too much, and I eat really bad junky food.  I’m not enjoying the normal things that I enjoy, which is why I don’t know what to do to get out of the “funk”.  


some old, some new September 24, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:07 pm
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I hate coming up with a title for each of my blog entries, so I haven’t come up with one for this post yet.  I’m hoping that my inner genius will awaken and help me come up with something soon.

I began wondering earlier why I even have a blog.  I write more or less the same thing all the time.  “My job sucks.”  “Having depression sucks.”  “My back hurts all the time and it sucks.”  I often think of wonderful things to write about, but then I forget them before I sit down to the keyboard.  My mind is constantly thinking of amazing, catchy things to write, and then I sit at the computer and “Bam!” It’s all gone.  I’ve nothing catchy or witty to say.  My mind becomes utterly blank, and then I’m left with posts such as “My AC broke, and that sucks.”

I had my MRI this weekend.  I nearly had a panic attack before the Valium kicked in.  Once it did kick in, though, I was perfectly relaxed, and everything was wonderful, other than the pain, of course.  It was very uncomfortable, and since it hurts to stay in one position for any length of time, the procedure was not very enjoyable.  The Valium, however, was.  I really liked the relaxed feeling from the medication.  It was as if even though I was in pain, I just didn’t care.  It was quite nice.  If you’re going to have to live with chronic pain, taking some medication that keeps you from giving a shit is certainly the way to go.  Perhaps that’s why California legalized marijuana.

In other news, Hubs birthday is coming up soon, and I have no idea what to get him… once again.  Why are men so incredibly difficult to buy for?!  It’s not as if I don’t know things that he wants.  It’s just that everything he wants is so damned expensive.  Why can’t men ever want something that is priced reasonably?


Is it a bad day or just a Monday? September 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:37 pm
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Today is one of my bad days.  I’ve been in quite a bit of pain for the past several days.  I really just wanted to stay in the bed when I got up this morning.  The constant pain is making the depression symptoms come to the surface a bit more, even though my medicine usually keeps them away.  I’m just in a place where I want to stay in my bed and disregard that a world exists outside of my bedroom.

ImageSo that cartoon kind of depicts my emotions today.  I want to hide.  I don’t really have a reason, even though I have a number of them.  I hurt.  Lay offs are taking place within the company, and I feel as if all I do is play on the internet all day because the people I work with refuse to give me any more work to do.  I know, “go find work to do”.  Well, I’m still fairly new in the company, and I don’t exactly know how to go about “finding work” other than to email those that I work with or have worked with in the past asking if they need any assistance with anything.  If no one ever needs me, then what the hell am I doing here.  And if this is how I feel, then it’s only a matter of time before management feels the same way, so it’s only a matter of time before they “reorganize” my ass out of here.  And I’m in pain.  Pain makes everything seem worse.

Last week I signed up for a 5 day pass to a gym close to my office.  I was really excited about starting to go this week.  Only, I’m supposed to meet with someone to show me around the place after work today, and I can’t stop thinking that I’m already hurting miserably, why do I want to go to the gym and make it worse?  I’m so sick of hearing how things might be better if I change my diet or if I start working out.  I HAVE changed my diet.  I’m not longer eating gluten, doesn’t that change enough?!  And as for working out?!  How the crap am I supposed to start working out when walking for 10 minutes around the block makes me want to rip out my spine and take my head off my body because of the pain?

The MRI is scheduled for this Saturday.  Maybe it will show something.  Then again, maybe it won’t.  Maybe one more person will treat me like it’s all in my head, or it’s just some “muscle pain” with no reason, and they’ll just pat me on the hand and wish me luck.  I know that I’m not a doctor.  I realize that I did not attend medical school.  But I just cannot understand “muscle pain WITHOUT A REASON”.  That doesn’t make sense to me.  There has to be a reason!  Is it the wrong shoes?  Is it something as simple as a bad mattress or a bad pillow?  I mean… it has to be something. …. Right?


So Hungover = Should not Drink so Much September 14, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 4:06 pm
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Yesterday the announcement was made that my boss will be leaving the company.  Being the incredible boss that he is, he failed to inform me of this decision.  He told others, but he waited until the “official announcement” to let me find out.  I find that to be rude.  In any case, I had a mild “freak out” and then proceeded to drink a bottle of wine.  I wasn’t drinking alone, but I did drink a lot.  Today I have an INCREDIBLE headache, and I just want to crawl back into bed.  I guess I won’t be drinking again for a while.

My MRI is scheduled for next Saturday, which means that I get to get all doped up before hand.  The doctor gave me a Valium to take beforehand because the idea of being completely still in a small tube makes me want to throw up and scares the crap out of me.

I really kind of freaking out about my boss leaving.  It means that someone else will be my direct supervisor.  Now, as much as my boss was absent (as a boss), it was nice to have him there as a buffer between myself and people that suck.  And I don’t want someone who sucks to be my boss.


My Doctors’ Visits September 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 4:28 pm

This comic made me think of my doctors’ visits, so I thought I would share.



Sores in my throat? Nah, I’m fine!

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 3:35 pm

So yeah, I have sores in the back of my throat.  It’s been hurting for several days now, and I was shittin’ around on the couch last night and reached my tongue back as far as it would go and I felt something weird, and it hurt!  So I got out the flashlight and looked at the throat.  Turns out, that’s not the only “weird” thing back there.  I saw about 3 sores (they sort of look like ulcers), which explains why it feels like I’m intentionally hurting myself every time I swallow.  I don’t really have any sick days left, though, so I brought my groggy, icky ass to work today with a bag of goodies.  The bag contains the following:


Obviously that isn’t a picture of my bag.  No, that’s a picture that I put together with web images and Paint.  That’s right.  Microsoft Paint.  I went old school, baby.  (Actually, I use Paint on a regular basis to mesh pictures together, but I don’t admit it to anyone that I work with.  I think they might make fun of me!)

So yeah, obviously I have lots of things to try to keep me feeling better.  The best is the throat spray that numbs my throat, because it not only numbs itchy sore throats, but it also numbs those sores back there.  Awesome-ness!

In other news, we have a new AC unit in our home, and it’s awesome.  The outside system kind of looks like this



It’s really big, and it’s really powerful, and I really love it.  It cost quite a bit though, and now Hubs and I are paying that off. Being a home owner sucks some times, because it’s really expensive.

Ok, think that’s it.  Gonna go suck on another Ricola and try to get some work done.


That awkward moment when… Oh wait! That’s life! September 10, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 3:18 pm

Quite a bit has been going on lately.  Our AC broke over 2 weeks ago.  Now, I realize that some people live in parts of the world where they don’t even have air conditioning in their homes.  It’s not needed!!  This is NOT the case in North Carolina.  Let’s look at the weather for the past 2 weeks:

Now, if that’s too small for you to see, allow me to elaborate.  The highest high over the past two weeks was 94 degrees Fahrenheit, and the lowest “lo” was 65.  Mind you, that 65 was over night, and the high the next day was 87, so that didn’t last long.  Now, the average high temperature was 88 degrees, and the average lo was 71 degrees.  Now, if that 71 were a more permanent temperature, I probably wouldn’t have been miserable during this time, but it wasn’t a steady 70 something degrees.  Instead it was a steady high 80-something degrees with it cooling down a BIT at night.  Hubs did get a window unit for the bedroom.  Something similar to below:

It only cooled the bedroom, though, and we had to leave the bedroom door closed for it to even do that much.  So the past two weeks, when I was at home, my time was spent hiding in my bedroom because it was the only room in the house cool enough to sit in without sweating constantly.

On the plus side, the AC repair men are at the house today while Hubs works from home, and they are installing a brand-spankin’ new system.  They will go in and fix the ducts.  The heating pump will be new, which means that our power bill will hopefully go down during the cool winter months.  All will be new, and all will be fabulous.  They will not finish installing the new system today, as they anticipate it will take 2 days, but tomorrow evening, when I walk in the door after work, I will be walking into an air-conditioned home, and I am so excited about this.

In other news, I have gained almost all my weight back from doing Weight Watchers a few months ago.  I had lost about 15 lbs, but I’ve gained back 13 of them.  It’s quite difficult to lose and keep it off when I can’t work out.  I would like to start working out again, but my back hasn’t allowed it up to now.  I did go see an orthopedist last week; however, no new information has been noted.  He did some general tests to see if it was obviously a brain tumor or something, which it isn’t.  Then he said that I need to get an MRI, and afterward I’ll go back and see him to discuss what the MRI shows.  He also gave me a prescription strength anti-inflammatory that seems to do wonders.  I have to make sure I eat when I take it, as it’s very strong, and it messes with my stomach otherwise.  It’s called Nabumetone.  They apparently use it for arthritis patients normally, but if it works, it works.  And so far I really like it.  It does make me a bit drowsy, though, but I’m sure with a bit of caffeine, I’ll get over that!

So that’s what’s up with my back.  I’m wondering if I can start working out since the Nabumetone seems to help so much, but I’m not sure.  I’m not completely pain free, but I wonder if I ever will be, honestly.  Perhaps this is as pain free as my life is meant to be.  I guess we’ll see after the MRI, but right now the doctor is having to argue with my insurance company to make that happen.

So what else has been happening?  Let’s see… my job still sucks ROYALLY.  I met with Boss Man (BM) a few weeks ago to discuss the fact that I never have enough work to do, and I am continually bored.  He said that he would speak to some people about getting some work to me, but that hasn’t proven very fruitful as of yet.  I still managed to have enough time to watch a season of The Big Bang Theory, read a book on Amazon Cloud Reader, and teach myself a bit more SQL all during “work” hours.  It’s very frustrating having to come in every day only to sit here and do nothing.  While I enjoy the occasional slow day, I seriously dislike when “slow days” are the norm.  He is aware, however, that I’m free almost ALL the time, so perhaps he’ll begin finding me things to do a bit more.  One can only hope.