Today is one of my bad days. I’ve been in quite a bit of pain for the past several days. I really just wanted to stay in the bed when I got up this morning. The constant pain is making the depression symptoms come to the surface a bit more, even though my medicine usually keeps them away. I’m just in a place where I want to stay in my bed and disregard that a world exists outside of my bedroom.
So that cartoon kind of depicts my emotions today. I want to hide. I don’t really have a reason, even though I have a number of them. I hurt. Lay offs are taking place within the company, and I feel as if all I do is play on the internet all day because the people I work with refuse to give me any more work to do. I know, “go find work to do”. Well, I’m still fairly new in the company, and I don’t exactly know how to go about “finding work” other than to email those that I work with or have worked with in the past asking if they need any assistance with anything. If no one ever needs me, then what the hell am I doing here. And if this is how I feel, then it’s only a matter of time before management feels the same way, so it’s only a matter of time before they “reorganize” my ass out of here. And I’m in pain. Pain makes everything seem worse.
Last week I signed up for a 5 day pass to a gym close to my office. I was really excited about starting to go this week. Only, I’m supposed to meet with someone to show me around the place after work today, and I can’t stop thinking that I’m already hurting miserably, why do I want to go to the gym and make it worse? I’m so sick of hearing how things might be better if I change my diet or if I start working out. I HAVE changed my diet. I’m not longer eating gluten, doesn’t that change enough?! And as for working out?! How the crap am I supposed to start working out when walking for 10 minutes around the block makes me want to rip out my spine and take my head off my body because of the pain?
The MRI is scheduled for this Saturday. Maybe it will show something. Then again, maybe it won’t. Maybe one more person will treat me like it’s all in my head, or it’s just some “muscle pain” with no reason, and they’ll just pat me on the hand and wish me luck. I know that I’m not a doctor. I realize that I did not attend medical school. But I just cannot understand “muscle pain WITHOUT A REASON”. That doesn’t make sense to me. There has to be a reason! Is it the wrong shoes? Is it something as simple as a bad mattress or a bad pillow? I mean… it has to be something. …. Right?