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When did it all get so complicated? January 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 1:31 am

I  miss the days when life was simple.  I had a job, but all my money went toward gas and fun.  My biggest concern was whether or not I’d be allowed to go out with my boyfriend the next weekend.  (Or if I’d have a boyfriend the next weekend).  These days life is quite different from all that.  Things aren’t nearly as simple.

I’ve been unemployed for a few weeks now, and looking for employment sucks.  I hate being in the mass of unemployed people searching for a job and just hoping I might get lucky enough for an interview.  Then hoping they like me enough during the phone interview to get another phone interview.  Then, perhaps, I’ll be lucky enough to get a face-to-face interview.  Seriously?!  It’s all so exhausting.  I’ve applied for so many jobs – jobs I know I’ll never get a call for an interview for simply because I’m “over qualified” or some other typical stupid excuse, jobs that I know I’d be good at but I also know I’d hate… all because I need to have an income.  As much as hubs and I might wish we were a one income household we are not.  I have brought too much debt into this marriage (student loans) for us to be able to firmly rely upon his income alone.

Then there’s the case that after being with the same company for the past 10 years, hubs has decided he’s unhappy.  No, he’s not going to just leave without another job lined up, but the entire thing makes for awkward times at home.  How can I support him and uplift him when I can’t even do it for myself?  I’m unhappy most of the time these days.  I was wrongly accused and forced to resign because of it.  I feel guilty where I should not.  I feel to blame where I am not.  And the entire thing weighs on my heart in ways that I cannot describe.

I cry at the simplest of things.  I want to cry all of the time, but crying makes the constant headache that I’ve been living with even worse than usual.  The downward spiral to “depression land” has made the physical pain worse, as depression causes pain and vice-versa.  It’s all rather depressing even to just read about.  I’m just one huge wall of self-pity, and the act of self-pity is, in itself, exhausting.

I don’t dislike myself.  I honestly don’t even feel sorry for myself.  I know that somehow hubs and I will pull through all of this, and we’ll be stronger because of it.  But none of that means I have to enjoy myself in the mean time, and I most certainly am not.

I have an interview tomorrow… Just the thought makes me want to go throw up.


Long time no see… So much to catch up on January 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:53 pm

It’s been quite a while since I posted anything.  Suffice it to say that quite a bit has happened.  I left my previous job and started teaching high school girls.  Then we went to CA for Christmas.  Then we celebrated our anniversary.  Then I got suspended from my new job.

I can’t go into all of the details, because I don’t want anyone from my real world to read this and end up sued or something.  Short version with barely any details would be that false accusations were made and now I’m suspended until an investigation is completed.  I’m being treated guilty until they prove my innocence, but I don’t think that they’ll find me innocent.  I think they’ll make “an example” of me.  The longer I sit at home, the longer I think about it, and the more I think that I’ll be getting fired.  The students seem to hate me.  And so many things that I have said could be manipulated and twisted to sound like I’m guilty of something.

I’m probably the most depressed I’ve been in a while.  I just feel numb… no happy and no real sadness either, though I did have a few tears fall earlier while I reflected on what a failure I’ve turned out to be.  I was a straight A student with worlds of potential.  I failed at graduate school, only managing to make it through a Master’s program when the goal was a PhD.  I have a degree in Math, which pretty much means squat.  It means, “Why didn’t you take more programming classes, so that you could get a real job?”  I was laid off from my first “real world” job after only 2 years.  Then I hated my next job.  Now I’m about to lose a third.

What is WRONG with me?!  Why can’t I just find something and be good at it?  I’m terrified that I’m going to fail at everything I ever try.  Am I going to be a failure forever?