It’s been quite a while since I posted anything. Suffice it to say that quite a bit has happened. I left my previous job and started teaching high school girls. Then we went to CA for Christmas. Then we celebrated our anniversary. Then I got suspended from my new job.
I can’t go into all of the details, because I don’t want anyone from my real world to read this and end up sued or something. Short version with barely any details would be that false accusations were made and now I’m suspended until an investigation is completed. I’m being treated guilty until they prove my innocence, but I don’t think that they’ll find me innocent. I think they’ll make “an example” of me. The longer I sit at home, the longer I think about it, and the more I think that I’ll be getting fired. The students seem to hate me. And so many things that I have said could be manipulated and twisted to sound like I’m guilty of something.
I’m probably the most depressed I’ve been in a while. I just feel numb… no happy and no real sadness either, though I did have a few tears fall earlier while I reflected on what a failure I’ve turned out to be. I was a straight A student with worlds of potential. I failed at graduate school, only managing to make it through a Master’s program when the goal was a PhD. I have a degree in Math, which pretty much means squat. It means, “Why didn’t you take more programming classes, so that you could get a real job?” I was laid off from my first “real world” job after only 2 years. Then I hated my next job. Now I’m about to lose a third.
What is WRONG with me?! Why can’t I just find something and be good at it? I’m terrified that I’m going to fail at everything I ever try. Am I going to be a failure forever?