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No thoughts, just words August 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 1:30 am

I wake up every morning at around a 3 or 4.  I go to work.  By noon I’m at a 5 or 6; by 3:00 I’m ready to lie in the floor and cry.  I don’t.  I stretch, which of course I’ve been doing throughout the day, in hopes that it will help.  I do deep breathing.  This usually helps, which gets me through the remainder of the work day.  The walk through the parking lot either helps or hurts, depending on where the pain is and how bad it has reached by this point.  I continually try to stretch while driving home, because the act of driving actually makes the pain worse.  (Realize that I’m dealing with both the C5-6 disk stuff in my back AND the levator ani stuff).  By the time I get home I’m completely exhausted.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and sink down and never get up again.  Getting up again means that the cycle will repeat.  Instead, I cook dinner…. most nights.  After dinner is when I lie down.  I feel guilty that I didn’t get a load of laundry done.  I feel guilty that I didn’t make it to the gym.  I feel guilty for leaving the kitchen dirty for Hubs to clean up.  I feel guilty that I am unable to spread the joy that I plaster on my face throughout the day for the entire world to my husband.  He only ever sees the exhausted me.  The me that gives into the pain.  The me that breaks down and takes very strong medicine to try to stop the pain.  He doesn’t get the smiles that everyone else gets.  Strangers get a better version of me than he does, because by the time he sees me, I’m too too exhausted to smile anymore.  

I try to remain positive through this all.  I try.  I really do.  But sometimes it all hits me, and I just cry.  Last night was one of those nights… today has been a day of fighting.  Fighting hard not to give in o the darkness the pain drags me to.  The pain sucks out my will.  It drags me away from light and happy and everything good.  It takes me to a dark, miserable place.  And once in this dark miserable place that the pain led me to… dragged me to, then the depression starts in.  

The depression tells me how I’m not good enough.  I should be a better wife.  I should be a better housekeeper.  I should be a better employee.  I should be healthier.  I should exercise more.  What’s wrong with me that I can’t just be happy?  What’s wrong with me that I can’t just work right?  Why does my body continue to betray me?  I want to be happy!  I want to be pain free!!  What’s wrong with me that I can’t be? …


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