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Why is he better than me at everything?! July 2, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:31 pm
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So I realize that marriage is not a competition.  I do, honestly.  HOWEVER, why is it that my hubs has to be better at everything than I am?  He’s better at losing weight.  He’s better at his job.  He’s smarter than me, though I’d probably never admit it to him.  He’s better with finances.  He’s better at FINDING a job.  He’s just… I’m so sick of being the one that has to “d0 better”.  It’s so exhausting.  I feel like I’m always having to catch up.  I’m probably a better housekeeper/cook/organizer than he is, but it’s not like that matters because being a housewife isn’t exactly an option.  He’s better at all the REAL WORLD stuff.  I’m just better at stupid things.  … like being OCD.

Today is just a hard day.  … It’s been a hard week.  I got my second spinal injection a couple weeks ago, but I’ve still really been hurting.  It didn’t work as well as the first one, which has me pretty down and fairly exhausted.  I’m trying to push through it and pretend like I’m ok though, because I honestly don’t want hubs knowing that it didn’t work.  He’s talking about not having kids because of the pain, and I just… I don’t think I can do that.  All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom, and I don’t know that I can have that taken from me.  So I’m trying to pretend like I’m better and ok, even though I’m not much better than I was before the shot.

I just need something really good to happen… and instead I turn another year older this weekend.  I hate birthdays.  There’s the one my family forgot, until after I’d gone to bed that night.  Then my dad woke me up to apologize.  Mind you, earlier in the day I was getting in trouble for acting so grumpy because I should have been happy for the holiday.  And mind you, they remembered my cousin’s and sister’s birthdays during the 2 days before mine, but they forgot mine.  Yeah… that was an awesome birthday.  Then there’s all the years I waited for bio mom to send me something or call, but she never did.  I just… birthday’s suck.  We build them up as this great day – a day to celebrate yourself and yourlife.  Instead no one really cares and you just end up feeling sorry for yourself because no one gives a shit that it’s your day.  It’s just another day, except this day was built up in your mind as something special, but it’s not.  So the balloon pops.  Every year.  And then you just get older.

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Day-to-Day June 5, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:00 pm
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As the play gets closer, I’m becoming more and more stressed about it.  I feel as if I’ve learned my lines, but then I come back to the script hours later, and I’ve forgotten half of them.  It’s very frustrating.  I’m supposed to be off book for rehearsal tonight, but I’m afraid that I won’t be ready.  I have to go on a business trip next week, which is causing me to miss 2 rehearsals.  I’m frustrated by this.  I wouldn’t have signed up to do a show if I had known work would be springing a trip on me 3 weeks before performance.  I’m sure the directors are frustrated by this as well, but there’s nothing I can do.  I did offer to come to any extra or other rehearsals they may want to schedule due to my recent conflicts.  I guess we’ll see what happens.

In other news, I don’t know what’s up with me lately.  I’m literally tired all the time.  I wake up tired, and I go to sleep tired, and I’m tired all day!  What is wrong with me?!  Sometimes I just prefer to joke about it and say that I’m dying and be done with it.  I mean, I know I’m not dying, but it’s a lot easier than listing out my many problems.  I hate having so many problems.  I hate taking so many medications.  Why can’t they just find me one pill that will do the trick?  “Voila!  Magic Pill!”  Whatever, it’s just frustrating.

In other news, my birthday is in a month.  Hubs and I were going to go on a trip of sorts to celebrate it, but in a stroke of “adulthood” I told him we should save the money and stay home.  As such, I now have 2 days off work and no place to go.  I’m kind of bummed that we aren’t going to go anywhere, honestly.  And I know how he is, and that he won’t plan some big birthday bash like I really want, but instead he’ll plan some quiet couple thing just for the two of us.  I don’t get the boy.  I could spell out for him what I want, and he’d still be confused.  Then again, sometimes I’m confused by it all, too, so I guess I can’t really blame him for the confusion.  It’s tough trying to figure a woman out.  As for presents, everything I want is ridiculously expensive, and anything less will undoubtedly leave me a bit sad.  I want things like a new fence for the yard (as ours is falling apart), a room finished in the house (as he’s been “working on the house” since we met and only actually FINISHED 1 room), landscaping for my yard, etc.  Nothing I was equates to cheap.  But nothing I want is stupid either.  Everything I want will increase the value of my home, so it’s really more of an investment than a gift.  However, that’s now how the hubs sees it.  Not to mention, we really just don’t have the money for it all right now.

I hate money.  It’s the only thing that really stresses me out in the world.  I hate paying off my student loans, I hate saving to have a child, I hate it I hate it I hate it.  This is how I see it:  Any money that I may have now has to be saved for having children.  Once I have children, I will not have money to go have fun because all said money must go to children.  I will then be old and too old and tired to enjoy any money that has been saved.  This is how I think it should be:  Yes, pay off debt right now, but also have fun with what’s leftover.  When I have children I will somehow make it work, like many generations before.  Then when I’m old, I’ll enjoy what’s there, or just be old and who cares.  I don’t see how saving saving saving to the point of no fun right now can possibly make my life better.  I get that you have to have money for a rainy day, but seriously?  I think my hubs is crazy when it comes to money.  It’s the only thing that we ever argue about, and it’s something we always argue about.  I hate it.  I want to go to the barter system.