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Why is he better than me at everything?! July 2, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:31 pm
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So I realize that marriage is not a competition.  I do, honestly.  HOWEVER, why is it that my hubs has to be better at everything than I am?  He’s better at losing weight.  He’s better at his job.  He’s smarter than me, though I’d probably never admit it to him.  He’s better with finances.  He’s better at FINDING a job.  He’s just… I’m so sick of being the one that has to “d0 better”.  It’s so exhausting.  I feel like I’m always having to catch up.  I’m probably a better housekeeper/cook/organizer than he is, but it’s not like that matters because being a housewife isn’t exactly an option.  He’s better at all the REAL WORLD stuff.  I’m just better at stupid things.  … like being OCD.

Today is just a hard day.  … It’s been a hard week.  I got my second spinal injection a couple weeks ago, but I’ve still really been hurting.  It didn’t work as well as the first one, which has me pretty down and fairly exhausted.  I’m trying to push through it and pretend like I’m ok though, because I honestly don’t want hubs knowing that it didn’t work.  He’s talking about not having kids because of the pain, and I just… I don’t think I can do that.  All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom, and I don’t know that I can have that taken from me.  So I’m trying to pretend like I’m better and ok, even though I’m not much better than I was before the shot.

I just need something really good to happen… and instead I turn another year older this weekend.  I hate birthdays.  There’s the one my family forgot, until after I’d gone to bed that night.  Then my dad woke me up to apologize.  Mind you, earlier in the day I was getting in trouble for acting so grumpy because I should have been happy for the holiday.  And mind you, they remembered my cousin’s and sister’s birthdays during the 2 days before mine, but they forgot mine.  Yeah… that was an awesome birthday.  Then there’s all the years I waited for bio mom to send me something or call, but she never did.  I just… birthday’s suck.  We build them up as this great day – a day to celebrate yourself and yourlife.  Instead no one really cares and you just end up feeling sorry for yourself because no one gives a shit that it’s your day.  It’s just another day, except this day was built up in your mind as something special, but it’s not.  So the balloon pops.  Every year.  And then you just get older.

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Is it a bad day or just a Monday? September 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:37 pm
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Today is one of my bad days.  I’ve been in quite a bit of pain for the past several days.  I really just wanted to stay in the bed when I got up this morning.  The constant pain is making the depression symptoms come to the surface a bit more, even though my medicine usually keeps them away.  I’m just in a place where I want to stay in my bed and disregard that a world exists outside of my bedroom.

ImageSo that cartoon kind of depicts my emotions today.  I want to hide.  I don’t really have a reason, even though I have a number of them.  I hurt.  Lay offs are taking place within the company, and I feel as if all I do is play on the internet all day because the people I work with refuse to give me any more work to do.  I know, “go find work to do”.  Well, I’m still fairly new in the company, and I don’t exactly know how to go about “finding work” other than to email those that I work with or have worked with in the past asking if they need any assistance with anything.  If no one ever needs me, then what the hell am I doing here.  And if this is how I feel, then it’s only a matter of time before management feels the same way, so it’s only a matter of time before they “reorganize” my ass out of here.  And I’m in pain.  Pain makes everything seem worse.

Last week I signed up for a 5 day pass to a gym close to my office.  I was really excited about starting to go this week.  Only, I’m supposed to meet with someone to show me around the place after work today, and I can’t stop thinking that I’m already hurting miserably, why do I want to go to the gym and make it worse?  I’m so sick of hearing how things might be better if I change my diet or if I start working out.  I HAVE changed my diet.  I’m not longer eating gluten, doesn’t that change enough?!  And as for working out?!  How the crap am I supposed to start working out when walking for 10 minutes around the block makes me want to rip out my spine and take my head off my body because of the pain?

The MRI is scheduled for this Saturday.  Maybe it will show something.  Then again, maybe it won’t.  Maybe one more person will treat me like it’s all in my head, or it’s just some “muscle pain” with no reason, and they’ll just pat me on the hand and wish me luck.  I know that I’m not a doctor.  I realize that I did not attend medical school.  But I just cannot understand “muscle pain WITHOUT A REASON”.  That doesn’t make sense to me.  There has to be a reason!  Is it the wrong shoes?  Is it something as simple as a bad mattress or a bad pillow?  I mean… it has to be something. …. Right?