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It’s early June 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 10:31 am
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Thank you for the beautiful comments and support yesterday.  It was very nice to feel loved.  I KNOW that I’m loved, but it’s nice to FEEL it sometimes.

I slept a bit better last night, but only a bit.  Perhaps I need to talk to my doctor about my medications or something because I haven’t been sleeping well.  Last night while lying awake I was writing the most awesome post in my head, but now that I’m at the computer, I don’t know that it’ll have the same flair as it did in my brain.  Here goes anyway.

I’m not sure if I read this somewhere or if it’s something that I just happened to think and the idea grew in my mind until I convinced myself I must have read it somewhere.  In any case, if I did read it somewhere, and I’m not giving you credit, it’s not for lack of care, merely lack of realization of where this information in my head came from.  In any case, I THINK I read it somewhere, so that’s how I’m going to write… as if I DID read it somewhere.

So, I read somewhere that Southern women are more prone to depression than other women.  I think this makes sense.  We’re taught from a very early age to hide our emotions and play the nice hostess.  Miranda Lambert has a song called Mama’s Broken Heart where the girl is going through a difficult breakup and the mother “preaches to the daughter” with the lyrics:

Go and fix your make up
It’s just a breakup
Run and hide your crazy
and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better
Gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

I think this sums up how Southern women are raised very well.  I remember my mother telling me often how I needed to be less dramatic, how I needed to “stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve”, and how I should stop letting everyone know how I feel all the time.  Play the part even when you don’t feel like it.  Be a good hostess and pretend that everything’s okay even when you’re falling apart inside.  “No one needs to know your business.”  “Stop letting everyone know what’s going on in your life.”

Obviously that last one didn’t stick or I wouldn’t be on here, right?  In any case, many Southern girls grow up in homes where this is the norm.  No one wants us to  actually let them know how we feel.  They just want us to pretend to be okay, and then that means we are.

So yeah, I definitely grew up in a home like that, and I think it contributed.  “Put on your big girl panties and deal.”  “Stop your crying and stop feeling everything so much.  Sometimes you just have to let things go.”  And, yes, sometimes you do have to let things go, but the big stuff?  The big stuff you need to deal with.  Don’t bottle it up and save it for later.  Deal with it now, else later turns into too late and it becomes so big that you don’t even know where to begin to deal with it.

So that’s that.  That’s my morning rant.  Hopefully someone, somewhere got something out of it.

In other news, I took an “assessment” for a job on Monday.  Apparently I have to do so well on the assessment before they’ll call me in for an interview.  I haven’t heard anything yet, but here’s hoping.  The job sounds pretty awesome.

 

It’s been too long… June 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 5:30 pm
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It’s definitely been too long since I’ve written anything.  So much has happened.  I found myself in the darkest place my depression has led me since… well, since the one time it led me there in college.  Only, this time my husband found me and called for help.  So the ambulance, police, and fire department all showed up at our house to take care of stupid ole me.  The state took away my rights, and I was in a hospital for a little over a week.  It was awful.  Talk about having no privacy or rights.  But I went to group, and I got a lot out of it. 

Now, here it is about a month later, and life is so freakin’ hard!  I’ve really been trying to remain positive, but I don’t think that people without a depressive disorder understand how much the smallest thing can just set off the whole downward spiral.  For instance, last night I only got about an hour and a half of sleep.  I feel like I’m sleepwalking through my day, which is making me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. 

In a way, things were easier in the hospital.  I mean, sure I had crappy lotion and shampoo.  Sure I had no hair products and looked like crap all the time.  But so did everyone else.  And my whole day was planned out for me.  My meals were cooked for me.  I didn’t have to do anything but show up.  Sometimes I wish that just “showing up” was enough in real life.  Today I feel like showing up is about all I can do.  Right now I’m just so exhausted. 

I have been trying to lose weight since getting out of the hospital, too.  I’ve started exercising.  I’ve managed to lose 3.4 lbs in a month.  That’s it.  3.4 lbs.  I’ve been stuck at this same weight for 2 weeks.  I lost 3.4 lbs in the first 2 weeks.  Now I’m just stuck.  My clothes aren’t fitting any better, either, so it’s not like I’m gaining definition or anything.  Today I just feel like a big, fat, nasty, ugly, grumpy slob. 

And I can’t talk about things like this with hubs, because he’s concerned that I’ll go back to the downward spiral place.  I don’t want to go back to the downward spiral place, but I want it to be ok to cry.  I want it to be ok to have a bad day.  I want to be able to cry and complain and not have someone worried that I’m going to take a bottle of pills or that I’m going to stay in bed for 3 days to hide from the world.  I don’t want to go back to that place!!!  Why can’t anyone believe me and just accept that it’s hard, though?  It’s not like I WANTED to be in that place to begin with. 

Seriously, who WANTS to be so depressed that they take 20 muscle relaxers?  Who DESIRES to feel so bad about his/herself that she wants to burn herself just to feel better about something for just a few minutes?  Who CRAVES to feel badly about his/herself all the time?  NO ONE, ASSHOLES!!  I just want to scream at the world.  … or maybe I just want to scream at myself for letting it get that badly to begin with. 

I’m just tired… hopefully tomorrow will be better.  I think I’ll start writing again.  It seems to have helped a little… if only because I got to rant to the world of 2 that might read this.

 

Is it a bad day or just a Monday? September 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 6:37 pm
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Today is one of my bad days.  I’ve been in quite a bit of pain for the past several days.  I really just wanted to stay in the bed when I got up this morning.  The constant pain is making the depression symptoms come to the surface a bit more, even though my medicine usually keeps them away.  I’m just in a place where I want to stay in my bed and disregard that a world exists outside of my bedroom.

ImageSo that cartoon kind of depicts my emotions today.  I want to hide.  I don’t really have a reason, even though I have a number of them.  I hurt.  Lay offs are taking place within the company, and I feel as if all I do is play on the internet all day because the people I work with refuse to give me any more work to do.  I know, “go find work to do”.  Well, I’m still fairly new in the company, and I don’t exactly know how to go about “finding work” other than to email those that I work with or have worked with in the past asking if they need any assistance with anything.  If no one ever needs me, then what the hell am I doing here.  And if this is how I feel, then it’s only a matter of time before management feels the same way, so it’s only a matter of time before they “reorganize” my ass out of here.  And I’m in pain.  Pain makes everything seem worse.

Last week I signed up for a 5 day pass to a gym close to my office.  I was really excited about starting to go this week.  Only, I’m supposed to meet with someone to show me around the place after work today, and I can’t stop thinking that I’m already hurting miserably, why do I want to go to the gym and make it worse?  I’m so sick of hearing how things might be better if I change my diet or if I start working out.  I HAVE changed my diet.  I’m not longer eating gluten, doesn’t that change enough?!  And as for working out?!  How the crap am I supposed to start working out when walking for 10 minutes around the block makes me want to rip out my spine and take my head off my body because of the pain?

The MRI is scheduled for this Saturday.  Maybe it will show something.  Then again, maybe it won’t.  Maybe one more person will treat me like it’s all in my head, or it’s just some “muscle pain” with no reason, and they’ll just pat me on the hand and wish me luck.  I know that I’m not a doctor.  I realize that I did not attend medical school.  But I just cannot understand “muscle pain WITHOUT A REASON”.  That doesn’t make sense to me.  There has to be a reason!  Is it the wrong shoes?  Is it something as simple as a bad mattress or a bad pillow?  I mean… it has to be something. …. Right?

 

Depression Lies May 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 2:15 pm
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A common theme lately in many of the blogs that I read has been depression.  It’s really quite amazing how many people in the world suffer from depression.  Many of  the things I’ve read have been very quick to remind those that suffer from depression that depression lies.  It makes you believe things that aren’t true.  It whispers ugly words in your mind until you begin to believe it.

As someone who has suffered from depression since my teen years, I understand this completely.  Not only does depression lie, but when medicated our minds lie to make us believe perhaps we don’t really need the medication to feel “normal”.  After the whisper of how “normal” I can be without my medication, the whisper soon becomes a scream, until I finally believe it.  Then about a week later, I realize that I’m not “normal” at all.  Depression has hit me again.  And not only has it hit, it has begun to break me.

I speak about this as if it’s all in the past, as if it’s not something that I suffer from every day.  This is not the case.  About twice a year I start to believe the lies of not needing my medication, only to be reminded how untrue that is.  This past week has been one of those times.  And yesterday I realized how broken I had become.  I stopped taking my medication last week sometime.  I didn’t do so consciously, I just forgot one night, or I was too lazy to get up and get it.  In any case, after a couple days of doing so, I then began to just not care.  Obviously I don’t need it if I can go 3 days without it.  This is when depression began it’s work.  Small whispers in my mind that are always present, whether medicated or not, began to turn into screams and constant rebukes.  “You will be a terrible mother one day because your family carries generations of abuse.”  “It doesn’t matter if you’ve been losing weight.  You are fat.  You will always be fat.  And even if you aren’t fat, you’re still ugly.”  “Look in the mirror.  See how ugly you are.”  “Your husband will leave you because you aren’t good enough for him.”  And so, so many more shouts and screams in the mind.  They play on an endless record, over and over.  Things that have been put in the past begin to scream into the forefront.  A bad relationship from 10 years ago makes me question whether or not my husband thinks I’m dumb and he’ll eventually realize that I am and leave me.

Lucky for me, my husband does love me, and he noticed last night how I was acting.  He soon asked if I had been taking my medication, and when I responded no, and cried about how awful of a person I am, rather than rebuke me, he held me and allowed me to cry.  He gently reminded me of how important it is to stay on my medication because of my health – not because I’m crazy or because something is wrong with me, but because I am healthier and stronger when I take it.  He held me and told me he loves me, and he reminded me that I am good enough for him.  He reminded me that he won’t leave me.  And he let me cry.

So for those of you that suffer and don’t have someone wonderful in your life like I do, know that others suffer as well.  Someone out there knows what you’re going through.  Someone out there can help you, and it might even help them to be able to help you.  And if nothing else, feel free to write to me.