It’s definitely been too long since I’ve written anything. So much has happened. I found myself in the darkest place my depression has led me since… well, since the one time it led me there in college. Only, this time my husband found me and called for help. So the ambulance, police, and fire department all showed up at our house to take care of stupid ole me. The state took away my rights, and I was in a hospital for a little over a week. It was awful. Talk about having no privacy or rights. But I went to group, and I got a lot out of it.
Now, here it is about a month later, and life is so freakin’ hard! I’ve really been trying to remain positive, but I don’t think that people without a depressive disorder understand how much the smallest thing can just set off the whole downward spiral. For instance, last night I only got about an hour and a half of sleep. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through my day, which is making me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out.
In a way, things were easier in the hospital. I mean, sure I had crappy lotion and shampoo. Sure I had no hair products and looked like crap all the time. But so did everyone else. And my whole day was planned out for me. My meals were cooked for me. I didn’t have to do anything but show up. Sometimes I wish that just “showing up” was enough in real life. Today I feel like showing up is about all I can do. Right now I’m just so exhausted.
I have been trying to lose weight since getting out of the hospital, too. I’ve started exercising. I’ve managed to lose 3.4 lbs in a month. That’s it. 3.4 lbs. I’ve been stuck at this same weight for 2 weeks. I lost 3.4 lbs in the first 2 weeks. Now I’m just stuck. My clothes aren’t fitting any better, either, so it’s not like I’m gaining definition or anything. Today I just feel like a big, fat, nasty, ugly, grumpy slob.
And I can’t talk about things like this with hubs, because he’s concerned that I’ll go back to the downward spiral place. I don’t want to go back to the downward spiral place, but I want it to be ok to cry. I want it to be ok to have a bad day. I want to be able to cry and complain and not have someone worried that I’m going to take a bottle of pills or that I’m going to stay in bed for 3 days to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back to that place!!! Why can’t anyone believe me and just accept that it’s hard, though? It’s not like I WANTED to be in that place to begin with.
Seriously, who WANTS to be so depressed that they take 20 muscle relaxers? Who DESIRES to feel so bad about his/herself that she wants to burn herself just to feel better about something for just a few minutes? Who CRAVES to feel badly about his/herself all the time? NO ONE, ASSHOLES!! I just want to scream at the world. … or maybe I just want to scream at myself for letting it get that badly to begin with.
I’m just tired… hopefully tomorrow will be better. I think I’ll start writing again. It seems to have helped a little… if only because I got to rant to the world of 2 that might read this.