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It’s early June 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 10:31 am
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Thank you for the beautiful comments and support yesterday.  It was very nice to feel loved.  I KNOW that I’m loved, but it’s nice to FEEL it sometimes.

I slept a bit better last night, but only a bit.  Perhaps I need to talk to my doctor about my medications or something because I haven’t been sleeping well.  Last night while lying awake I was writing the most awesome post in my head, but now that I’m at the computer, I don’t know that it’ll have the same flair as it did in my brain.  Here goes anyway.

I’m not sure if I read this somewhere or if it’s something that I just happened to think and the idea grew in my mind until I convinced myself I must have read it somewhere.  In any case, if I did read it somewhere, and I’m not giving you credit, it’s not for lack of care, merely lack of realization of where this information in my head came from.  In any case, I THINK I read it somewhere, so that’s how I’m going to write… as if I DID read it somewhere.

So, I read somewhere that Southern women are more prone to depression than other women.  I think this makes sense.  We’re taught from a very early age to hide our emotions and play the nice hostess.  Miranda Lambert has a song called Mama’s Broken Heart where the girl is going through a difficult breakup and the mother “preaches to the daughter” with the lyrics:

Go and fix your make up
It’s just a breakup
Run and hide your crazy
and start actin’ like a lady
‘Cause I raised you better
Gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart

I think this sums up how Southern women are raised very well.  I remember my mother telling me often how I needed to be less dramatic, how I needed to “stop wearing my feelings on my sleeve”, and how I should stop letting everyone know how I feel all the time.  Play the part even when you don’t feel like it.  Be a good hostess and pretend that everything’s okay even when you’re falling apart inside.  “No one needs to know your business.”  “Stop letting everyone know what’s going on in your life.”

Obviously that last one didn’t stick or I wouldn’t be on here, right?  In any case, many Southern girls grow up in homes where this is the norm.  No one wants us to  actually let them know how we feel.  They just want us to pretend to be okay, and then that means we are.

So yeah, I definitely grew up in a home like that, and I think it contributed.  “Put on your big girl panties and deal.”  “Stop your crying and stop feeling everything so much.  Sometimes you just have to let things go.”  And, yes, sometimes you do have to let things go, but the big stuff?  The big stuff you need to deal with.  Don’t bottle it up and save it for later.  Deal with it now, else later turns into too late and it becomes so big that you don’t even know where to begin to deal with it.

So that’s that.  That’s my morning rant.  Hopefully someone, somewhere got something out of it.

In other news, I took an “assessment” for a job on Monday.  Apparently I have to do so well on the assessment before they’ll call me in for an interview.  I haven’t heard anything yet, but here’s hoping.  The job sounds pretty awesome.


It’s been too long… June 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — aasouthernbelle @ 5:30 pm
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It’s definitely been too long since I’ve written anything.  So much has happened.  I found myself in the darkest place my depression has led me since… well, since the one time it led me there in college.  Only, this time my husband found me and called for help.  So the ambulance, police, and fire department all showed up at our house to take care of stupid ole me.  The state took away my rights, and I was in a hospital for a little over a week.  It was awful.  Talk about having no privacy or rights.  But I went to group, and I got a lot out of it. 

Now, here it is about a month later, and life is so freakin’ hard!  I’ve really been trying to remain positive, but I don’t think that people without a depressive disorder understand how much the smallest thing can just set off the whole downward spiral.  For instance, last night I only got about an hour and a half of sleep.  I feel like I’m sleepwalking through my day, which is making me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. 

In a way, things were easier in the hospital.  I mean, sure I had crappy lotion and shampoo.  Sure I had no hair products and looked like crap all the time.  But so did everyone else.  And my whole day was planned out for me.  My meals were cooked for me.  I didn’t have to do anything but show up.  Sometimes I wish that just “showing up” was enough in real life.  Today I feel like showing up is about all I can do.  Right now I’m just so exhausted. 

I have been trying to lose weight since getting out of the hospital, too.  I’ve started exercising.  I’ve managed to lose 3.4 lbs in a month.  That’s it.  3.4 lbs.  I’ve been stuck at this same weight for 2 weeks.  I lost 3.4 lbs in the first 2 weeks.  Now I’m just stuck.  My clothes aren’t fitting any better, either, so it’s not like I’m gaining definition or anything.  Today I just feel like a big, fat, nasty, ugly, grumpy slob. 

And I can’t talk about things like this with hubs, because he’s concerned that I’ll go back to the downward spiral place.  I don’t want to go back to the downward spiral place, but I want it to be ok to cry.  I want it to be ok to have a bad day.  I want to be able to cry and complain and not have someone worried that I’m going to take a bottle of pills or that I’m going to stay in bed for 3 days to hide from the world.  I don’t want to go back to that place!!!  Why can’t anyone believe me and just accept that it’s hard, though?  It’s not like I WANTED to be in that place to begin with. 

Seriously, who WANTS to be so depressed that they take 20 muscle relaxers?  Who DESIRES to feel so bad about his/herself that she wants to burn herself just to feel better about something for just a few minutes?  Who CRAVES to feel badly about his/herself all the time?  NO ONE, ASSHOLES!!  I just want to scream at the world.  … or maybe I just want to scream at myself for letting it get that badly to begin with. 

I’m just tired… hopefully tomorrow will be better.  I think I’ll start writing again.  It seems to have helped a little… if only because I got to rant to the world of 2 that might read this.